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#26 2021-01-02 22:07:35

eight.bit.al
Member
From: Prison
Registered: 2015-10-01
Posts: 743

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

Wealthy man buy a house and spends a pile remodeling it. Decides to have a house warming party and invites everyone he knows to attend. As he's showing his guests the place, he takes everyone out back to see the new pool. The pool is filled with sharks and alligators. 

Homeownes says, " If anyone can swim across the pool, I'll buy them anything they want." No sooner than he says it, he hears a splash. He looks over and sees a fella making his way across, kicking the sharks and punching the alligators. The fella makes it to the other side and hops out. The homeowner says, "You're the bravest person I've ever met. I'll buy you anything you want."

The fells says, "All I want is the name of the person who pushed me in!"

8bit


If art is how we decorate space, music is how we decorate time.

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#27 2021-01-02 22:48:40

hhh
Meep!
Registered: 2015-09-17
Posts: 11,001
Website

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

Obligatory Yogi Berra, one-liner-level Master...

Yogi Berra wrote:

1. When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

2. You can observe a lot by just watching.

3. It ain’t over till it’s over.

4. It’s like déjà vu all over again.

5. No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.

6. Baseball is 90% mental and the other half is physical.

7. A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

8. Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

9. We made too many wrong mistakes.

10. Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

11. You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.

12. You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.

13. I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.

14. Never answer an anonymous letter.

15. Slump? I ain’t in no slump… I just ain’t hitting.

16. How can you think and hit at the same time?

17. The future ain’t what it used to be.

18. I tell the kids, somebody’s gotta win, somebody’s gotta lose. Just don’t fight about it. Just try to get better.

19. It gets late early out here.

20. If the people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, nobody’s going to stop them.

21. We have deep depth.

22. Pair up in threes.

23. Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel.

24. You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

25. All pitchers are liars or crybabies.

26. Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

27. Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.

28. He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.

29. It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

30. I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won twenty-five games. What I don’t understand is how he lost five.

31. I don’t know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.

32. I’m a lucky guy and I’m happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.

33. I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

34. In baseball, you don’t know nothing.

35. I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?

36. I never said most of the things I said.

37. It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.

38. If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.

39. I wish everybody had the drive he (Joe DiMaggio) had. He never did anything wrong on the field. I’d never seen him dive for a ball, everything was a chest-high catch, and he never walked off the field.

40. So I’m ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face.

41. Take it with a grin of salt.

42. (On the 1973 Mets) We were overwhelming underdogs.

43. The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

44. Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.

45. Mickey Mantle was a very good golfer, but we weren’t allowed to play golf during the season; only at spring training.

46. You don’t have to swing hard to hit a home run. If you got the timing, it’ll go.

47. I’m lucky. Usually you’re dead to get your own museum, but I’m still alive to see mine.

48. If I didn’t make it in baseball, I won’t have made it workin’. I didn’t like to work.

49. If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be.

50. A lot of guys go, ‘Hey, Yog, say a Yogi-ism.’ I tell ’em, ‘I don’t know any.’

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#28 2021-01-03 02:04:08

eight.bit.al
Member
From: Prison
Registered: 2015-10-01
Posts: 743

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

upstairs.jpg

8bit


If art is how we decorate space, music is how we decorate time.

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#29 2021-01-03 03:28:11

eight.bit.al
Member
From: Prison
Registered: 2015-10-01
Posts: 743

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

My GF yells from upstairs and asks, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across
your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Me: "No."

GF: "How about now?"


8bit


If art is how we decorate space, music is how we decorate time.

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#30 2021-01-03 14:24:20

ratcheer
Member
From: USA
Registered: 2015-10-05
Posts: 335

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

LOL! Really.

PS - That was for the one about the construction worker wanting a handsaw; I didn't realize I wasn't at the end of the thread when I posted this.

Last edited by ratcheer (2021-01-03 14:28:48)

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#31 2021-01-03 20:22:44

ohnonot
...again
Registered: 2015-09-29
Posts: 5,197
Website

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

^ Yeah, that's a good one. angel
Thank you thank you.

Last edited by ohnonot (2021-01-03 20:23:23)


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#32 2021-01-04 04:07:25

johnraff
nullglob
From: Nagoya, Japan
Registered: 2015-09-09
Posts: 7,555
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Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

hhh wrote:

Obligatory Yogi Berra, one-liner-level Master...

Every one a gem!


...elevator in the Brain Hotel, broken down but just as well...
( a boring Japan blog (currently paused), idle Twitterings and GitStuff )

Introduction to the Bunsenlabs Lithium Desktop

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#33 2021-01-06 07:32:57

damo
....moderator....
Registered: 2015-08-20
Posts: 6,498

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

Two ugly sisters from Fordham
Went out on a walk out of boredom.
On the way back
A sex maniac
Jumped out from a bush and ignored 'em.


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#34 2021-01-06 15:25:21

damo
....moderator....
Registered: 2015-08-20
Posts: 6,498

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

5PM, in a field in summer...
Old mayfly to young mayfly, "When I was your age the sun was over there."


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#35 2021-01-07 06:29:47

hhh
Meep!
Registered: 2015-09-17
Posts: 11,001
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#36 2021-01-07 07:08:56

ohnonot
...again
Registered: 2015-09-29
Posts: 5,197
Website

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

damo wrote:

5PM, in a field in summer...
Old mayfly to young mayfly, "When I was your age the sun was over there."

This is missing a twist about how everything was better back then...

Or:
science-mayfly-insect-entomology-birthday-birthdays-dbcn704_low.jpg


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#37 2021-01-08 00:28:06

eight.bit.al
Member
From: Prison
Registered: 2015-10-01
Posts: 743

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

How do you get a little old lady to yell, "Go fsck yourself!"

Wait for another little old lady to yell, "Bingo!"

8bit

Last edited by eight.bit.al (2021-01-08 00:28:40)


If art is how we decorate space, music is how we decorate time.

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#38 2021-01-18 04:54:27

eight.bit.al
Member
From: Prison
Registered: 2015-10-01
Posts: 743

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly she sneezes and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls towards the man, he catches it and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing" she says, and pops the eye back into it's socket. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, very pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common.

He gets her phone number and asks, "You are a most charming women. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No" she replies.

"You just happened to catch my eye."

8bit


If art is how we decorate space, music is how we decorate time.

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#39 2021-01-18 13:56:00

ratcheer
Member
From: USA
Registered: 2015-10-05
Posts: 335

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

Another actual LOL!

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#40 2021-01-21 11:10:21

damo
....moderator....
Registered: 2015-08-20
Posts: 6,498

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

I dream of the day when I walk down the aisle, and hear those magic words:

"This is your pilot speaking..."


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#41 2021-01-21 18:42:40

ohnonot
...again
Registered: 2015-09-29
Posts: 5,197
Website

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

damo wrote:

"This is your pilot speaking..."

"...we're all going down... together..."


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