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#1 2020-12-28 23:28:17

eight.bit.al
Member
From: Prison
Registered: 2015-10-01
Posts: 904

Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

Any interest?

A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbit walked into a blood bank.
The rabbit sayz, "I think I'm a type o."

8bit

Last edited by eight.bit.al (2020-12-28 23:55:56)


If art is how we decorate space, music is how we decorate time.

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#2 2020-12-28 23:51:38

hhh
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Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

Did you hear about the dyslexic who walked into a bra?

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#3 2020-12-28 23:53:39

hhh
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Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

Mitch Hedberg was a genius at short jokes...

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

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#4 2020-12-28 23:58:13

eight.bit.al
Member
From: Prison
Registered: 2015-10-01
Posts: 904

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

Riddle:

Two American coins that add up to 30¢; and one of them isn't a quarter.

8bit


If art is how we decorate space, music is how we decorate time.

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#5 2020-12-29 00:00:30

hhh
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Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

Rapper Fifty Cent minus two dimes?

A quarter and a nickel. One of them isn't a quarter.

Quarter is one of those words that the longer you look at it written out, the odder it seems. Odder is another one. More odd is more acceptable, but odder is a legit Scrabble word.

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#6 2020-12-29 00:08:16

hhh
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Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

I have a ton of filthy of short jokes, but I don't want to open that can of worms, so here's one for your kids...

Why don't monsters eat comedians?

Because they taste funny.

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#7 2020-12-29 00:12:01

hhh
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Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

Playing off that last one, Steve Martin from his first album "Let's Get Small"...

People come to me, they say "Steve! Martin! How can you be so f*cking funny?" And I tell them, before I leave the house I put a piece of bologna in my shoes. That way, I "feel" funny.

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#8 2020-12-29 00:13:54

hhh
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Posts: 11,495
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Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

George Carlin...

"A one-armed man was arrested in Central Park today for continuously rowing in a circle."

You could do a whole thread just on Steven Wright...

"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time."

"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

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#9 2020-12-29 00:23:48

hhh
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Registered: 2015-09-17
Posts: 11,495
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Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

Fine, here are two for those prepared to burn in Hell...

What do you get when you turn a blonde upside down? A brunette with bad breath.

How do you fit four gay men on one bar stool? Turn it upside down.

Yeah, that dyslexic joke looks much better now, doesn't it.

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#10 2020-12-29 00:36:19

eight.bit.al
Member
From: Prison
Registered: 2015-10-01
Posts: 904

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

^Okay, I've unleashed a monster. ;-)

8bit


If art is how we decorate space, music is how we decorate time.

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#11 2020-12-29 12:41:30

ohnonot
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Registered: 2015-09-29
Posts: 5,394
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Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

Yet another thread hijacked. Sigh.

8bit, are you particulalrly keen on one-liners? I prefer longer jokes I think, so I wouldn't know anything "short" to contribute.


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#12 2020-12-29 13:19:31

eight.bit.al
Member
From: Prison
Registered: 2015-10-01
Posts: 904

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

ohnonot wrote:

Yet another thread hijacked. Sigh.

8bit, are you particulalrly keen on one-liners? I prefer longer jokes I think, so I wouldn't know anything "short" to contribute.

Jokes, one liners and riddles, like the title says. All good.

Fire away.  smile

8bit


If art is how we decorate space, music is how we decorate time.

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#13 2020-12-29 15:17:07

ratcheer
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From: USA
Registered: 2015-10-05
Posts: 356

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

Why did the Cyclops close his school?

He only had one pupil.

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#14 2020-12-30 16:17:21

ohnonot
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Registered: 2015-09-29
Posts: 5,394
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Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on.
After the seventh order, the bartender (who is a physicist) pours two beers and says, "you fellas ought to know your limits."

edit: I know just about enough about these two sciences to get the joke, and I love it. So don't hesitate to ask.

Last edited by ohnonot (2020-12-30 16:19:31)


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#15 2020-12-30 17:56:22

eight.bit.al
Member
From: Prison
Registered: 2015-10-01
Posts: 904

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.

You have died of dissin’ Terry

8bit


If art is how we decorate space, music is how we decorate time.

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#16 2020-12-30 19:08:37

damo
....moderator....
Registered: 2015-08-20
Posts: 6,575

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

^ That joke wouldn't work here - Terry is a boys name! And we wouldn't use a gun: a withering look would suffice wink


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#17 2020-12-31 17:56:49

ratcheer
Member
From: USA
Registered: 2015-10-05
Posts: 356

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

The mathmeticians joke has been one of my favorites for a long time.

And, over my lifetime, I have known many men named Terry. But, I admit, I havent heard of many for the past 20 years or so. Hell, when I was young, Sidney and Ashley were exclusively boys' names. But, not anymore.

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#18 2020-12-31 19:57:07

ohnonot
...again
Registered: 2015-09-29
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Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

I love political jokes of the former Socialist countries. Something I inherit from my family I guess.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_political_jokes

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes. "What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?" "Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years."

A new arrival to Gulag is asked: "What were you given 10 years for?" – "For nothing!" – "Don't lie to us here, now! Everybody knows 'for nothing' is 5 years."

Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In the newspaper office, a discussion is underway about how to caption the picture. "Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," and "Pigs surround comrade Khrushchev" are all rejected as politically offensive. Finally, the editor announces his decision: "Third from left – comrade Khrushchev."

We pretend to work, and they pretend to pay.

Not many countries left to produce such jokes.
https://www.rfa.org/english/news/korea/ … 83510.html
some of these are adaptations from former Russian/Eastern Bloc jokes, but I still like the North-Korean twist.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a North Korean are having a chat. The Englishman says: “I feel happiest when I’m at home, my wool pants on, sitting in front of the fireplace.”

The Frenchman says: “You English people are so conventional. I feel happiest when I go to a Mediterranean beach with a beautiful blond-haired woman, and we do what we’ve got to do on the way back.”

The North Korean says: “In the middle of the night, the secret police knock on the door, shouting: Kang Sung-Mee, you’re under arrest! And I say, I'm not Kang Sung-Mee, he lives next door! That’s when we’re happiest!”


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#19 2021-01-01 04:51:43

phuturism
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From: Melbourne
Registered: 2016-07-15
Posts: 167

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

Yeah those Soviet era jokes are great, but dark man...

from youtube comments wrote:

One translated from polish
Stalin gives a speech. Suddenly there someone sneezed.
"Who sneezed?" Asked Stalin.
Silence
"Who sneezed?"
More silence
"Comrade Beria - take out the 11-th row." 11th row leaves, series of gunshots can be heard from outside.
Stalin continues his speech. Sneeze again.
"Who sneezed?" Asks Stalin again.

Silence
"Comrade Beria: 16th row" Again. 16th row leaves, gunshots outside.
Speech continues. Sneeze again.
"Who! Sneezed!?" demands Stalin
Then a frail old man, pale as a ghost stands up and says:
"It was me comrade Stalin".
"Bless you comrade" replied Stalin

Last edited by phuturism (2021-01-01 04:57:09)

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#20 2021-01-01 11:17:46

ohnonot
...again
Registered: 2015-09-29
Posts: 5,394
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Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

I also saw a few nice ones regarding Trump, Kim Jong whatshisname and North Korea.
There is big joke potential there, but none of those I saw had the same maturity.
Let's hope inventing told jokes isn't a thing of days gone by...

PS: of course, Trump tells his own jokes, that bastard.

Last edited by ohnonot (2021-01-01 11:18:40)


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#21 2021-01-01 13:08:19

misko_2083
Member
Registered: 2016-05-24
Posts: 434

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

God called on Putin, Trump and Vučić to tell them that he is fed up
and to tell their people that the end of the world will be in 7 days.
Putin came to Russia and addressed the people:
- I have two bad news: the first is that God exists and
the second is that there will be an end of the world in 7 days.
Trump came to America and addressed all Americans:
- I have one good news and one bad news: the good news is God exists
and bad news that the end of the world will be in 7 days.
Vučić also came to Serbia, put his fingers together and addressed the people:
- I have two good news: the first is that God exists
and the second is that I managed to work out with God to postpone the end of the world for us for 7 days!


Што ни оштровиди ум сагледати не може - љубав превазилази.

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#22 2021-01-01 21:14:54

ohnonot
...again
Registered: 2015-09-29
Posts: 5,394
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Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather'.
In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather' -- partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.
________________________________

Political correctness gone mad:
I can't even refer to my own child as my disabled son.
Apparently it's my "daughter."


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#23 2021-01-01 22:59:20

damo
....moderator....
Registered: 2015-08-20
Posts: 6,575

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

ohnonot wrote:

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather'.
In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather' -- partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

splutter big_smile


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#24 2021-01-02 17:32:52

Nick
Member
Registered: 2020-09-05
Posts: 49

Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

went to the doctor, he said I had an attitude problem

i said doc are you sure??

he says, well, i'm not positive

***

What's wrong with the average person?

They're mean.

***

what's the difference between a closet and a salad bar?

the dressing

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#25 2021-01-02 20:57:23

ohnonot
...again
Registered: 2015-09-29
Posts: 5,394
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Re: Jokes, One Liners And Riddles

Sorry, I have to hit you one more time.
Just found these on my hard drive.
The last one is NSFW (although, what use is it to say it now that you're already reading my post...).

The first one always reminds me of a certain type of nerds you meet a lot on tech forums (esp. on LQ, not so much here) - they really think like that, all logic, no common sense:
_______________________________________________________________________________

A programmer's wife was sending him to the corner store. She told him, "Get a loaf of bread. And if they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returned and put twelve loaves of bread on the table. "Why did you get so much bread?" she asked.
He replied, "They had eggs."
_______________________________________________________________________________

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needs a handsaw.
He spots another worker on the ground and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. 
He points to his eye meaning "I", points to his knee meaning "need", then moves his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a handsaw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"


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